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• Man woven into a blanket Workers claim company fabricated job safety
• Cocaine disguised as water in shipment of tropical fish Fish too stoned for comment
• In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man still has very limited depth perception
• Which is worse: being convicted of indecent exposure, or having your wife testify that your erection is not visible from 35 feet away?
• Web site 'MikeHuntSoftcom' sued by porn company Details at 11
• Ctrl + Alt + Del inventor retires after 28 years at IBM, reportedly going home to crash
• Fire breaks out on teacher's desktop Heat causes fish bowl on desk to explode, water puts out the fire Fish OK
• Man awarded $850,000 after doctor operates on wrong side of brain; has half a mind to appeal the ruling
• Costumed Disney World employee ran over by float, killed during parade Disney spokesperson attributes incident to goofy mistake
• Thieves steal safe containing only bar owner's denture cream Now have grip on reality
• Four men fined $300 for stealing testicles from bull statue "They had some balls," prosecutors allege
• Man drinks his own urine as "alternative medicine" to cure rheumatism - socialized medicine scares the piss out of him
• Gambling addicts self-help website plagued with pop-ups for casinos Elvis Costello to release two albums at same time, one for each fan
• Thieves penetrate car trunk to lift large packet of sex toys Victim not tickled
• Country stars launch their own brands of food Dolly Parton's melons sure to be a big seller
• DEA agent shoots self in leg during gun-safety class for kids
• The Donald getting married for the third time In a shocking twist, she's a no-talent, gold-digging model
• Man shot outside Copacabana night club, Lola unavailable for comment
• Son accidentally shoots mother while showing her the new laser- targeting device on his gun
• Man dies after falling out of Superman Six Flags ride Fall speed reported at "Faster than a speeding bullet"
• Protons take note: Dalai Lama urges positive spin
• Stoners too stoned to get off their asses and show up for "cannabis festival"
• Viagra makers hard-up to penetrate the radio advertising market, need to repeatedly thrust their advertisements down the throats of consumers
• Cow swallows 132 pounds of plastic Her milk comes out prepackaged
• Car thieves break off radio antenna thinking it will disable the car's GPS tracking system, but just get lousy reception on their way to jail
• Man slips Xanax into co-worker's coffee because she's "too hyper" Switching her to decaf apparently never occurred to him
• Silicone airbags may be the wave of the future Dolly Parton unavailable for comment
• Clinton submits 900-page memoir to editors, only 300 of which were stuck together
• Alaskan ferry hits reef while traveling through Peril Strait Peril Strait, not being obvious enough, to be renamed Imminent Danger Bay
• Levitra takes on Viagra in the UK's latest Battle of the Bulge
• Journalist goes on McDiet and actually loses McPounds McCholesterol is another McStory
• Traffic flow goes to crap after truck full of toilets overturns
• Baby born half-deaf after mother blares educational tapes against her stomach in hopes of birthing child genius
• Students ask school board to improve sex ed classes, saying watching Three Stooges movies and coloring isn't getting it done
• Geologists find crater under Chesapeake Bay, likely caused by Ted Kennedy falling off pier in drunken stupor
• Bank advises clients to have more sex Customers' interest is rising
• Bill Clinton admits to being unfaithful to Hillary In other news, pope admits to crapping in woods, Smokey the Bear admits to being Catholic, Bush admits to being stupid
• Restaurants in China find that they can make soup more popular by putting opium in it
• Naturally decaffeinated coffee plant discovered Cure for cancer delayed while scientists try to wake up in the morning
• Nearly three million dollars worth of drugs -- including 559 pounds of marijuana -- are missing from the Memphis Police Department's evidence room In other news, donut shops in Memphis report brisk business
• Woman wins $10 million in lottery, suffers heart attack because of the constant barrage of calls and letters begging for money
• Two bombs go off in Turkey, feathers everywhere
• Inventor of ASCII code, the Esc key and the Backslash dies 82 73 80
• Spam to be eliminated in 2 years, get you penis enlarged before it's too late
• Nigeria arrests 500 email scammers Nation's GNP drops 50 percent
• Milk may protect against colon cancer In related news, US Dairy Association announces a whole new breed of disgusting "milk moustache" billboards
• Don't use a sledgehammer to extract gunpowder from shotgun shells
• Bobby Fischer detained at airport in Japan Insists he's just a pawn and that he's getting rooked
• Vietnamese boy killed by mousetrap Stuart Little surrenders to police
• Man calls female owner of lost parrot and offers to return it in exchange for sex No comment from the parrot
• Man invents giant eight-foot-tall beer can Sadly, the emphasis is on the "can" rather than the "beer"
• Houston's 100 highest-paid executives At no 16, JW Stewart, President and CEO of "BJ Services Co" In other news, Monica Lewinsky applies for internship
• Kraft food company has scrapped plans to illuminate Germany's highest mountain -- they were hoping to raise awareness of its efforts to promote nature conservation
• NHL player pleads guilty to murder for hire Will receive a five- minute major and a game misconduct
• McDonald's frozen yogurt parfait, now with marijuana Hamburgular sought for questioning
• Man imitates Wile E Coyote: Flattened by own steamroller
• Teen with cross-burning hobby "accidentally" lights up a piece of cardboard near a small garbage can filled with gasoline
• Nader submits 5,400 signatures to get on Michigan ballot, 24,600 short of the requirement Michigan Republicans then submit 43,000 signatures on his behalf
• TV networks are going to devote to six hours to conventions, one- tenth the time we devote to choosing an "American Idol"
• In a shocking turn of events, the most recent session of Congress has been called "unproductive"
• 'No U.S. president has ever made genocide prevention a priority and no U.S. president has ever suffered politically for his indifference to its occurrence."
• Trainee rabbi dismembered by 'rent boy type' after night in the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar
• Three items you don't want to read in an article: phlebotomy, double barreled syringe, and poorly trained staff
• "Missing" thermo-nuclear bomb may have been found. In other news, there are missing hydrogen bombs