Scotto - - 2017

Bert and Ernie's Guide To Eroticism

Hello Boys and Girls... You might not remember us, as our show has drifted off the airwaves, but both me, and my life partner Bert used to be on Sesame Street. Part of our jobs everyday was educating you. We taught you how to share cookies with Cookie Monster, and how to count with... the Count. We showed you that bathing was fun (As long as you had your rubber ducky) and that diversity was a good thing.

But Bert and I always had another agenda, our own agenda that even our producers didn't really know about. You see, back when Sesame Street was on, homosexuality was very very stigmatized, that means people thought you were bad, JUST because of who you LOVED. But Bert and I didn't care. We knew we were meant to be together. We both loved long walks down the street, Vivaldi, and hot steaming felt-rubbing Muppet sex.

And with our mutual love of education, the next step seemed destined. At first we only distributed pamphlets in underground dungeons and swinger parties. But after one of our pamphlets ended up in Oscar's garbage can... we realized we needed something less tangible. Welcome the dawning of the electronic age.

The new idea of the Internet granted us anonymity and could greatly increase our readership. Within three months was born. And golly, we couldn't BELIEVE the response. It was an overnight sensation. The first day alone we got over ten thousand hits, and it just expanded from there. Now we offer a fully stocked store of sex toys, Muppet and Muppet-Lovers (Muppheads) personals section, live video feeds and hundreds of other services.

But that's enough of the introduction; here is our ten-step guide to maintaining Eroticism in a relationship:

1) Always, ALWAYS keep scissors handy by the bed. - Any Muppet couple who has gone for hours, knows that after awhile... you just get sore. So, what we suggest, is that with a quick snip in your side, or back... VOILA! A new hole for your partner to use... and abuse! Just remember to sew it back up after!

2) Stay away from the rear door! - Think about it kids, you've hand a hand up there for an ENTIRE workday, do you really think A. They still want that area stimulated? B. They'll even be able to feel you? (Well, maybe if you're Mr. Snuffleupagus)

3) Toys, toys, TOYS! - We can't stress this one enough. Something new in the bedroom always spices up the scene. One time Bert and I were in a rut, then I came home one day to find him chained to the wall in a full body latex suit. His only words to me, before I zipped his mouth shut, were... 'Hit Me.'

4) Invite a Friend! - One of the benefits of being Muppets kids is that we come in all shapes and sizes. I remember one time we had Beecker over... lets just say... his head is good for things besides thinking!

5) Get a little rough! - Try spanking or slapping your partner. When you feel their felt covered hand, smack against your hollow cheek, the sound it makes is magical. Just make sure you use a safety word! Ours is 'soap.'

6) Role-play! - Once Bert and I decided to role-play that we were Luis and Maria from down the block on Sesame Street. Soooo, I stuffed up my ears with cotton and let him beat me.

7) Have a mind-altering experience! - Sometimes, you can't get to where you want to be on your own. That's when Bert and I spice it up a bit, usually with Ecstasy or LSD. When the walls are melting and you feel like you can know what your partners thinking, the sensations are amazing. Be careful though, once Bert got some Angel Dust laced with Heroin, and he ended up sticking my rubber ducky up his behind so that he could 'stop feeling so hollow.'
8) Don't use protection. Now, this is only for serious couples out there, who trust their partners. But, when I peel back my felt and enter Bert, it's much more intense than if I'm going in covered. Something about yelling at him to scream like a bitch while I'm taking him rawdog... makes the experience so much more intimate.

9) Try autoerotic affixation. Have you have had someone play with your stitching? When Bert starts undoing me, there is just something primal about it. It's almost like he's god, as each stitch becomes undone and more of myself is exposed to the world. Just be careful, make sure you have extra stuffing nearby and a needle and thread should your partner become overexcited in his ripping.

10) When in doubt, shout! - Verbal play is key in a good sexual encounter. Screaming your partner's name, or how good it feels always increases stimulation. Also compliment their genitalia. Bert likes it when I refer to his organ as the big bad banana. He'll keep slapping me across the face with it until I do, and don't tell him... but sometimes I let him whack away for fun! Well, we hope these tips help! Here are some users responses!

'My sex life was going nowhere, I mean... who wants a guy that lives in a garbage can? Then I read B&E's tips. Next time I was on a date, I slapped her across the face in the middle of sex and we've been together ever since.' - Oscar the Grouch

'Vy old 'dirty talk' uzed to juz be za counting! Vone! Two! Tree! In time wit each thrust. Now I calls her a 'Vucking whore' and she lovez me!' - The Count
'We've always been lovers but it wasn't until B&E made it okay to come out have we publicly admitted it.' - The three blind mice

'At first it was odd, and a little painful, being with a ten foot tall bird, but then he started inviting Elmo over, and lets just say... all that spunk counts in the sack. Thanks Bert and Ernie' - Maria

'At virst I vas ashamed, I vas pertified. But now I see nothing wrong in rubbing my self in vegetables and hors-de-vors do bors to gors...' - The Swedish Chef

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