Can't Get Enough of Fark Headlines

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• Doctors charged with giving Viagra to members of mafia. Police on lookout for hardened criminals

• Our top story tonight: Huge radioactive leak closes local nuclear plant. But first, let's go to Mark, who's got some Class 1A volleyball scores

• Woman claims vaginal cream fights facial wrinkles when used in conjunction with tuna-based diet

• Study finds traffic jams keep getting worse. Still no cure for cancer

• Studies show gay men get worked up over male pheromones. Women still need only two drinks to make out with each other

• Archaeologists discover 2000-year-old shoe in UK, proving Brian did not die on the cross as previously thought

• Suspect in bank robbery caught in four minutes. Bank located between police and sheriff's departments

• New research reveals humans are smarter lying down than standing up. Paris Hilton unavailable for comment

• Groundbreaking survey reveals that older people are baffled by computer technology. Also concludes sky is blue

• Bored teenager forces open shipping container, is buried under an avalanche of peas. Cries of "peas, help me" alerts authorities

• People skipping work to go see "Revenge of the Sith" costs employers $627 million according to Department of Made-Up Statistics Pulled out of My Ass

• Don't make a car with vanity plates your getaway vehicle

• Online movement seeking shutdown of the Internet rapidly gaining support

• Commercial featuring a thong-bikini-clad Paris Hilton washing a car "couldn't be more pornographic" an industry source claims. Said industry source apparently not familiar with Hilton's earlier works

• Grand opening of new mail facility delayed after high-tech package scanner detects sauerkraut. What could be wurst?

• Students paint huge Firefox logo on Oregon sidewalk using only water, Kool-Aid and cornstarch. In other news, police are on the lookout for a seven-foot-tall red pitcher

• Man tries to rob bank with vacuum-cleaner attachment. Sucks at robbing banks

• Scientists develop condom that will keep guys erect during sex. Still no cure for cancer, but we can let this one slide

• When planning your next bank robbery, remember that your purple truck with flames painted on its sides is an inappropriate getaway vehicle

• Research shows that footballers have higher amounts of testosterone when playing at home. Unlike most men, who have higher amounts when playing away from home

• Middle East could face water shortage, US agrees to provide them with water for $3 per gallon

• National masturbation month reaches climax on May 28th

• Mitsubishi motors' loss now at $4.4 billion, or $61 million a month for 72 months with no money down and no payments until June of '06

• Motley Crüe sues NBC over weakened sales. Crappy music from has-beens not cited as cause

• Christians outraged over Saudi Doody, a new children's show airing on Arab Television. Mr. Hussein's Neighborhood and SpongeMohammad SquareTurban not far behind

• Thank you for calling suicide hotline. Our hours are 9-5. Please call again

• Lawsuit over penis potion is swelling with new victims, now firming up into class-action lawsuit

• Pompeii to sell food in the style of 79 A.D. First reviews indicate that it tastes an awful lot like ash

• Grass species not seen since 1912 rediscovered. Rastafarians rejoice

• Judges lack enough balls to order chemical castration

• Neil Armstrong threatens to sue barber who sold his clipped hair for $3,000. His lawyers claim it's a lock

• Yahoo sex chat rooms have high-profile companies yanking ads, users yanking selves

• Man has fight with his wife over money, ends arguments by setting fire to $670,000 on the front lawn. No word on how they plan to solve child custody issues

• Mental health officials see increase of "storm stress syndrome" this hurricane season. In other news, non-stop media coverage predicts this could be the worst year ever

• Woman has 35 stolen lawn ornaments placed on her lawn, but puts them near the curb so that the rightful owners would take them back. A good idea on any day -- except trash day

• "This is your captain speaking. We are cruising at 30,000 feet, and we are being diverted to Canada because I accidentally turned on the hijacking signal. If you look out the windows to your left, you will see a fighter jet"

• Truckloads of asphalt stolen from City of Chicago. Police looking for concrete evidence

• In today's issue of Duh Magazine: Investigators say aircraft that ploughed into mountain was flying lower than it should have been

• Supreme Court says no to medical marijuana. Reported cases of glaucoma expected to drop precipitously

• When being pulled over for driving a stolen vehicle, make sure it doesn't belong to the arresting officer

• Al-Jazeera refuses to run PETA ads because they depict cruelty to animals. Regularly scheduled news footage of beheadings and suicide bombings still okay

• India is running out of IT workers, intends to outsource

• Lactivists target Starbucks for a 'nurse-in.' No word if the moms are grande or vente

• Patriots unveil third Super Bowl Ring. In other news, geologists report that there are no more diamonds left on earth

• Paris Hilton to shave her hoo-ha... wait... headline said she will give up "public" life. Nevermind

• Comcast cable technicians save life of boy who nearly drowned in pool. Awards ceremony scheduled for anywhere from 8:00 a.m. Wednesday to 4:00 p.m. Friday

• Today on "World's Dumbest Terrorists": 12 prisoners, released from Guantanamo Bay, return to Iraq to fight with insurgents; are promptly captured. Again

• Door-to-door meat salesman in jail after offering chicken in exchange for a little pork

• Larry LaPrise, author "The Hokey Pokey", died at 83. The hardest part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in..

• The two biggest movie theater chains are merging. Plan to offer low-interest loans so patrons can buy tickets and popcorn

• In the UK, the Royals cost about a buck a year per person. In Kansas City, it's $20 a head plus beer, hotdogs, pretzels and parking

• Pizza shop robber leaves a completed job application behind

• Canada names John Holmes as new ambassador to Iraq, because the tenure of the new ambassador is expected to be long and hard

• Organizers of tobacco festival fret over how to keep beer out of the hands of minors

• Blind chef sees no reason why his catering business wouldn't succeed

• Three-time convicted pedophile struggling to find place to live. Says he'd like to crawl into a tiny hole and disappear, but that's what got him in trouble in the first place

• Impressed with the success of the finger-in-the-chili trick, woman claims she found a mouse in her jar of peanut butter. When asked if she's gonna sue responds with "damn skippy."

• You know your annual "counterculture festival" is deader than the Sixties when it has its own post office, cafe, two daily newspapers, pizza delivery

• Hall and Oates tour postponed after Daryl Hall is diagnosed with lyme disease. All eight fans ticked

• Father and son arrested for stealing stamps. Police knew they would eventually lick the case and put the perforators behind bars.

• Scientists Find 'Hangover Gene.' Gene swears if God takes the headache and nausea away, he'll never drink again

• Drew Barrymore would like to become a movie director after her boobs start sagging, which is exactly how Michael Moore got into directing

• When concocting a kidnapping story to cover all that time and money lost at the strip club, make sure the gas station sells dog food

• Man killed by falling cow. Monty Python unavailable for comment

• Bad timing for London subway poster ads promoting SF book as "a perfect place to have your mind blown to smithereens"

• Family sues municipality for allowing their son to toboggan into a tree. As of press time, Charles Darwin has not yet been named as a co-defendant

• Microsoft touts success of company that saved lots of money by moving to Windows Server 2003. Fails to note that company is actually a pyramid scheme

• New York transit riders being told to watch out for passengers sweating profusely, which is a possible sign of terrorists. In other news, 911 receives five-million calls during hot summer day

• Walt Disney employee busted for standing naked in window, lighting up his package with flashlight for people passing by. Witnesses claimed it was a small world after all

• Cherokee Nation debating over gay marriage. Tonto, Lone Ranger watching with great interest

• Police officer decides to clear shotgun by aiming it at ground and firing. Partner is dismayed to discover that shotgun pellets bounce right back up off concrete

• Two Jackson jurors now say Michael was guilty after all; too late for the trial, but just in time for their book deals

• Doctors transplant salivary gland into girls eye. Now she drools when she peels onions

• Man aims to visit every Starbucks, attempts to find coffee-flavored coffee

• New impotence cream on the horizon. Directions say to apply cream to penis, rub furiously

• City decides that flashing is not allowed during Mardi Gras celebration, but adds, "We don't have a problem with nude bicycle tournaments"

• New poll shows most people say a teacher was the one person who made a difference in their lives. In related news, the same response was given when asked who took their virginity

• Scientists discover huge bar at the center of our galaxy, think this explains the rash of alien crash landings on earth

• Amazon.com quietly adds nearly 5,000 "personal neck massagers" to its product line. The word "neck" is somewhat misleading however

• University computer tech trades grades for nubile coed sex. Investigators now going over his hard drive

• Huge firework explosion in Mexico. Witnesses claim to have seen a cat chasing a mouse wearing a sombrero prior to the blast

• Man invents thing-a-ma-jig that reduces vehicle emissions by 97% and improves gas mileage by up to 40%. Shell, Exxon & BP execs seen dispatching hitmen

• Fed raises interest rates another .25 percent, no signs of stopping. In other news, your ARM soon to be called a LEG

• Las Vegas man demands six-digit reward for fingering culprits in Wendy's chili case. Says Wendy's shouldn't thumb their nose at him any longer

• Acupuncture found to be an effective treatment to help fertility, as long as men don't ask where the needles will be placed

• Man sworn in as U.S. citizen, promptly wins lottery; complains that his taxes now go towards supporting illegal immigrants

• When going into the carjacking business, it's good to know how to drive a stick shift

• Man passes out after night at the bar. People decide to help, put him in the dumpster to sleep it off. What could go wrong?

• Tom Delay indicted. One corrupt congressional scumbag down, 534 to go

• Oil giant BP says hurricane damage repairs will cost $700 million, forcing them to shut down one of the giant pools of money they swim in

• Architect wakes up every morning and ponders his famous erection (26)

• There's probably trouble in your marriage when setting your wife on fire at her job becomes a viable option

• High school running back rushes for 488 yards, six touchdowns -- and kicks eight extra points. Arizona Cardinals ask for a rematch

• Man who doused his estranged wife with gasoline and set her on fire feels that he is not a threat to society, citing much higher gas prices

• Nude disco opens in London, barman sick of people asking for a "stiff one"

• Church to be sold on eBay. Stairway sold separately

• CEO of CableVision to have heart surgery. Heart performance expected to be mediocre, randomly go out for no reason