Scotto - Azcompuguy.com - 2017
 


Can't Get Enough of Fark Headlines

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  • Doctors charged with giving Viagra to members of mafia. Police on lookout for hardened criminals

  • Our top story tonight: Huge radioactive leak closes local nuclear plant. But first, let's go to Mark, who's got some Class 1A volleyball scores

  • Woman claims vaginal cream fights facial wrinkles when used in conjunction with tuna-based diet

  • Study finds traffic jams keep getting worse. Still no cure for cancer

  • Studies show gay men get worked up over male pheromones. Women still need only two drinks to make out with each other

  • Archaeologists discover 2000-year-old shoe in UK, proving Brian did not die on the cross as previously thought

  • Suspect in bank robbery caught in four minutes. Bank located between police and sheriff's departments

  • New research reveals humans are smarter lying down than standing up. Paris Hilton unavailable for comment

  • Groundbreaking survey reveals that older people are baffled by computer technology. Also concludes sky is blue

  • Bored teenager forces open shipping container, is buried under an avalanche of peas. Cries of "peas, help me" alerts authorities

  • People skipping work to go see "Revenge of the Sith" costs employers $627 million according to Department of Made-Up Statistics Pulled out of My Ass

  • Don't make a car with vanity plates your getaway vehicle

  • Online movement seeking shutdown of the Internet rapidly gaining support

  • Commercial featuring a thong-bikini-clad Paris Hilton washing a car "couldn't be more pornographic" an industry source claims. Said industry source apparently not familiar with Hilton's earlier works

  • Grand opening of new mail facility delayed after high-tech package scanner detects sauerkraut. What could be wurst?

  • Students paint huge Firefox logo on Oregon sidewalk using only water, Kool-Aid and cornstarch. In other news, police are on the lookout for a seven-foot-tall red pitcher

  • Man tries to rob bank with vacuum-cleaner attachment. Sucks at robbing banks

  • Scientists develop condom that will keep guys erect during sex. Still no cure for cancer, but we can let this one slide

  • When planning your next bank robbery, remember that your purple truck with flames painted on its sides is an inappropriate getaway vehicle

  • Research shows that footballers have higher amounts of testosterone when playing at home. Unlike most men, who have higher amounts when playing away from home

  • Middle East could face water shortage, US agrees to provide them with water for $3 per gallon

  • National masturbation month reaches climax on May 28th

  • Mitsubishi motors' loss now at $4.4 billion, or $61 million a month for 72 months with no money down and no payments until June of '06

  • Motley Crüe sues NBC over weakened sales. Crappy music from has-beens not cited as cause

  • Christians outraged over Saudi Doody, a new children's show airing on Arab Television. Mr. Hussein's Neighborhood and SpongeMohammad SquareTurban not far behind

  • Thank you for calling suicide hotline. Our hours are 9-5. Please call again

  • Lawsuit over penis potion is swelling with new victims, now firming up into class-action lawsuit

  • Pompeii to sell food in the style of 79 A.D. First reviews indicate that it tastes an awful lot like ash

  • Grass species not seen since 1912 rediscovered. Rastafarians rejoice

  • Judges lack enough balls to order chemical castration

  • Neil Armstrong threatens to sue barber who sold his clipped hair for $3,000. His lawyers claim it's a lock

  • Yahoo sex chat rooms have high-profile companies yanking ads, users yanking selves

  • Man has fight with his wife over money, ends arguments by setting fire to $670,000 on the front lawn. No word on how they plan to solve child custody issues

  • Mental health officials see increase of "storm stress syndrome" this hurricane season. In other news, non-stop media coverage predicts this could be the worst year ever

  • Woman has 35 stolen lawn ornaments placed on her lawn, but puts them near the curb so that the rightful owners would take them back. A good idea on any day -- except trash day

  • "This is your captain speaking. We are cruising at 30,000 feet, and we are being diverted to Canada because I accidentally turned on the hijacking signal. If you look out the windows to your left, you will see a fighter jet"

  • Truckloads of asphalt stolen from City of Chicago. Police looking for concrete evidence

  • In today's issue of Duh Magazine: Investigators say aircraft that ploughed into mountain was flying lower than it should have been

  • Supreme Court says no to medical marijuana. Reported cases of glaucoma expected to drop precipitously

  • When being pulled over for driving a stolen vehicle, make sure it doesn't belong to the arresting officer

  • Al-Jazeera refuses to run PETA ads because they depict cruelty to animals. Regularly scheduled news footage of beheadings and suicide bombings still okay

  • India is running out of IT workers, intends to outsource

  • Lactivists target Starbucks for a 'nurse-in.' No word if the moms are grande or vente

  • Patriots unveil third Super Bowl Ring. In other news, geologists report that there are no more diamonds left on earth

  • Paris Hilton to shave her hoo-ha... wait... headline said she will give up "public" life. Nevermind

  • Comcast cable technicians save life of boy who nearly drowned in pool. Awards ceremony scheduled for anywhere from 8:00 a.m. Wednesday to 4:00 p.m. Friday

  • Today on "World's Dumbest Terrorists": 12 prisoners, released from Guantanamo Bay, return to Iraq to fight with insurgents; are promptly captured. Again

  • Door-to-door meat salesman in jail after offering chicken in exchange for a little pork

  • Larry LaPrise, author "The Hokey Pokey", died at 83. The hardest part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in..

  • The two biggest movie theater chains are merging. Plan to offer low-interest loans so patrons can buy tickets and popcorn

  • In the UK, the Royals cost about a buck a year per person. In Kansas City, it's $20 a head plus beer, hotdogs, pretzels and parking

  • Pizza shop robber leaves a completed job application behind

  • Canada names John Holmes as new ambassador to Iraq, because the tenure of the new ambassador is expected to be long and hard

  • Organizers of tobacco festival fret over how to keep beer out of the hands of minors

  • Blind chef sees no reason why his catering business wouldn't succeed

  • Three-time convicted pedophile struggling to find place to live. Says he'd like to crawl into a tiny hole and disappear, but that's what got him in trouble in the first place

  • Impressed with the success of the finger-in-the-chili trick, woman claims she found a mouse in her jar of peanut butter. When asked if she's gonna sue responds with "damn skippy."

  • You know your annual "counterculture festival" is deader than the Sixties when it has its own post office, cafe, two daily newspapers, pizza delivery

  • Hall and Oates tour postponed after Daryl Hall is diagnosed with lyme disease. All eight fans ticked

  • Father and son arrested for stealing stamps. Police knew they would eventually lick the case and put the perforators behind bars.

  • Scientists Find 'Hangover Gene.' Gene swears if God takes the headache and nausea away, he'll never drink again

  • Drew Barrymore would like to become a movie director after her boobs start sagging, which is exactly how Michael Moore got into directing

  • When concocting a kidnapping story to cover all that time and money lost at the strip club, make sure the gas station sells dog food

  • Man killed by falling cow. Monty Python unavailable for comment

  • Bad timing for London subway poster ads promoting SF book as "a perfect place to have your mind blown to smithereens"

  • Family sues municipality for allowing their son to toboggan into a tree. As of press time, Charles Darwin has not yet been named as a co-defendant

  • Microsoft touts success of company that saved lots of money by moving to Windows Server 2003. Fails to note that company is actually a pyramid scheme

  • New York transit riders being told to watch out for passengers sweating profusely, which is a possible sign of terrorists. In other news, 911 receives five-million calls during hot summer day

  • Walt Disney employee busted for standing naked in window, lighting up his package with flashlight for people passing by. Witnesses claimed it was a small world after all

  • Cherokee Nation debating over gay marriage. Tonto, Lone Ranger watching with great interest

  • Police officer decides to clear shotgun by aiming it at ground and firing. Partner is dismayed to discover that shotgun pellets bounce right back up off concrete

  • Two Jackson jurors now say Michael was guilty after all; too late for the trial, but just in time for their book deals

  • Doctors transplant salivary gland into girls eye. Now she drools when she peels onions

  • Man aims to visit every Starbucks, attempts to find coffee-flavored coffee

  • New impotence cream on the horizon. Directions say to apply cream to penis, rub furiously

  • City decides that flashing is not allowed during Mardi Gras celebration, but adds, "We don't have a problem with nude bicycle tournaments"

  • New poll shows most people say a teacher was the one person who made a difference in their lives. In related news, the same response was given when asked who took their virginity

  • Scientists discover huge bar at the center of our galaxy, think this explains the rash of alien crash landings on earth

  • Amazon.com quietly adds nearly 5,000 "personal neck massagers" to its product line. The word "neck" is somewhat misleading however

  • University computer tech trades grades for nubile coed sex. Investigators now going over his hard drive

  • Huge firework explosion in Mexico. Witnesses claim to have seen a cat chasing a mouse wearing a sombrero prior to the blast

  • Man invents thing-a-ma-jig that reduces vehicle emissions by 97% and improves gas mileage by up to 40%. Shell, Exxon & BP execs seen dispatching hitmen

  • Fed raises interest rates another .25 percent, no signs of stopping. In other news, your ARM soon to be called a LEG

  • Las Vegas man demands six-digit reward for fingering culprits in Wendy's chili case. Says Wendy's shouldn't thumb their nose at him any longer

  • Acupuncture found to be an effective treatment to help fertility, as long as men don't ask where the needles will be placed

  • Man sworn in as U.S. citizen, promptly wins lottery; complains that his taxes now go towards supporting illegal immigrants

  • When going into the carjacking business, it's good to know how to drive a stick shift

  • Man passes out after night at the bar. People decide to help, put him in the dumpster to sleep it off. What could go wrong?

  • Tom Delay indicted. One corrupt congressional scumbag down, 534 to go

  • Oil giant BP says hurricane damage repairs will cost $700 million, forcing them to shut down one of the giant pools of money they swim in

  • Architect wakes up every morning and ponders his famous erection (26)

  • There's probably trouble in your marriage when setting your wife on fire at her job becomes a viable option

  • High school running back rushes for 488 yards, six touchdowns -- and kicks eight extra points. Arizona Cardinals ask for a rematch

  • Man who doused his estranged wife with gasoline and set her on fire feels that he is not a threat to society, citing much higher gas prices

  • Nude disco opens in London, barman sick of people asking for a "stiff one"

  • Church to be sold on eBay. Stairway sold separately

  • CEO of CableVision to have heart surgery. Heart performance expected to be mediocre, randomly go out for no reason

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