Bona Fide Fark Headlines

All Headlines below are the property of Fark.Com

• Not News: Burglar breaks into home. News: Burglar cooks food and takes shower. Fark.com: Burglar leaves his Yahoo Mail account open when he leaves

• Dentist caught trading oxycodone prescriptions for oral sex, billed to insurance as "tooth-whitening treatment"

• Penis surgery: The long and short of it

• Nun claims pope cured her of Parkinson's. Still can't shake the habit

• If your wife refuses to serve you meat for dinner, dousing yourself with gas and setting yourself on fire in the front yard probably won't help

• Kadima party on the verge of winning most seats in Israeli elections. Post-election victory party to feature "Sharon Unplugged"

• Thief robs Wal-Mart on two consecutive days at the same time, stealing a TV and a home-theater system. Police are said to be pursuing all channels

• Castration case takes yet another odd twist

• Car navigation system that leads drivers to the edge of a 100-foot cliff sees drop-off in users

• Medical marijuana stock goes public on Toronto stock exchange. Analysts predict the stock will get really, really, really high

• "Terry Schiavo: The Movie." Talk about an idea that's dead on arrival

• The "Gay Games" coming to Illinois. Competition to be pretty stiff in the "clean and jerk," and "pole vaulting" is gonna be a little bit different

• Village bans ducks from local pond. All ducks violating the ban will be billed

• Nudist colony in St. Louis vows to be a good neighbor, but opponents fear people will be able to see their members

• Perdue recalls breasts, and not fondly

• Australia concerned about Cyclone Monica, a Category-5 headed towards Darwin, Australia. The last time anything named Monica blew this hard, it tore apart a nation

• The World Egg throwing championship, its no yolk, more jokes to come

• Banks introduce 50-year mortgage, also known as "you will never own this piece of property"

• Police close down porn shop for breaking obscenity laws, say "they could be there all night investigating."

• Rock solid "Viagra defense" scores big in 4-hour court session

• Bono turns newspaper editor for the day. With appropriate photo of him wearing rose colored glasses

• Company tries to trademark scent of fresh-baked pizza. Competitors claim it's a scheme to make more dough

• Bill Clinton to write new book about presidency. Suggested title of "Sex Between The Bushes" likely rejected

• Theme parks expect stiff sales as tickets for "Gay Days" get lapped up quickly

• Formerly conjoined twins leave hospital, go their separate ways

• Chuck Yeager sues his children because they are draining his pension fund at record speed

• Egypt to excavate Roman city submerged in sea. FEMA on the scene to see how it's done

• Alberto forms into the first tropical storm of the season. Could potentially reach Category V05

• Rugby streaker trying to auction off bikini to help cover court costs

• Cat meat restaurant closed, Chairman Meow special no longer available

• Al Qaeda in Iraq says the loving and benevolent Allah told them to brutally behead two U.S. Soldiers. Religion is such an important foundation of civilized society, isn't it?

• Clinical trials and a full federal review find taking vitamins daily gives Americans the world's most expensive urine, but produces no other measurable health benefits

• If you had sex with a woman you met at a club in Liverpool, Leeds, Manchester or Birmingham, the police would like to speak with you. Actually, you should probably go see your doctor first

• Somebody scrolls words "Ku Klux Klan" across jumbo video screen during graduation. Officials believe it may have been racially motivated

• Pabst Blue Ribbon forces emergency evacuation, although not in the explosive way it usually does

• Nudists looking for new members, apparently tired of looking at the same old members

• Experts debate whether kids should be called obese. Evidently "little fat farkers" not an option

• Trying to impress his drunk friends with a joule of a stunt, man climbs rails of his 4-story balcony and touches live power wire. Did not realize watt would happen, or how much that hertz

• Bird smuggler busted with eggs concealed in underpants. Possibly a cockatoo

• Rocket strike hits Nazareth; Led Zeppelin, Cream left unscathed

• Trail of bras and panties leads police to underwear thief. Newspaper report notes dryly that there was a "brief" chase

• Slow news day: Alcohol increases risk of injuries

• Ohio village opens bathroom art gallery to show not all modern art is crap

• Beers and a stripper on the ballot for the Nevada gubernatorial election. Talk about having the male vote wrapped up

• Oil-rich Kuwait gives citizens $690 each -- or as we Americans call it, "half a tank"

• Note to camp counselors for 10 year olds: swinging naked from the rafters is definitely frowned upon, no matter how much fun it may seem at the time

• If you steal someone's wallet, get a good look at the picture on the driver's license. Otherwise you might end up showing the license to the same person you stole it from when they ask you for ID weeks later, cementing your place on Fark

• Playboy to launch online poker site. Can't wait to see what those cards look like

• U.N. Secretary-General seeks unity on Mideast. Yeah, good luck with that

• Syphilis is up 23 percent, making it a far better deal than my 401K

• Trailer carrying 21,000 pounds of cheese stolen by thief. Police have a theory for motive, but it is full of holes

• Pranksters switch the '3' and '9' on corner gas station sign, leading to a temporary rush on Depends undergarments at nearby drug store

• Officers recover stolen doughnut delivery vehicle. Glazed criminal feels the bear claws of justice

• After sealing pot in a gas can, do NOT use a torch to open the can back up

• EBay executive dies in bike accident. No reserve

• New study shows lesbians orgasm at a higher rate than straight women. In other news, you can make a living as a reputable scientist studying lesbians' orgasms

• Average American company has 305 lawsuits pending against it at any given time. Still no cure for lawyers

• New high-efficiency solar panels unveiled. Still no cure for clouds

• New homeowner sues after learning she moved in next door to I.P. Freely. Still wonders why her vegetables taste funny

• News: Hospital delivers newborn baby to the wrong mother. Fark: Hospital charges mother $100 for a blood test to identify the correct baby

• Federal Reserve leaves rates unchanged. Your ARM just got more rest

• Stinky Feet? Chinese Foot Washers Cleanse the Sole

• Schizophrenia findings disputed, then agreed with, then disputed again. EVERYONE STOP TALKING AT ONCE

• Ritz-Carlton hotels now offering $130 dog-massage service. Your dog wants a happy ending

• Stiff resistance will make it hard on Pfizer's attempts to sell Viagra over the counter. Boner

• Whale shark dies at Georgia Aquarium; funeral arrangements by Red Lobster, all mourners will be given drawn butter