Best of Fark Headlines

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• Marijuana grow-lab equipment, previously seized by police and then sold at auction, has turned up at other grow operations...and the police are just shocked

• Fark car rental tips: Before returning your rental car, check for unexplainable dents, top off gas tank, remove loaded gun

• David Hasselhoff pleads no contest to DUI charge. KITT not available for comment

• Bus falls off 650-foot cliff. Probably wouldn't be a big deal except it was full of people

• Police officer suspended for gassing neighborhood. Taco Bell surprisingly not involved

• Heavy voter turnout expected tomorrow. No word on what the skinny voters will be doing

• Headline you'd never have expected a year ago: Oil plummets to less than $50 a barrel

• Burglars steal $20,000 in rare wines without knowing their actual value, pawn them to liquor store for $300 and some cigarettes

• World Testicle Cooking Championship held. Clutch McGroin shoots for first place

• Man decides to clear jammed wood chipper with his feet while it's still on. You already know what happened next

• Arafat's equipment will not be switched off and he is now using the machine that goes "ping"

• You can't buy tires with weed at Sears. You also shouldn't return to the store one hour after assaulting a clerk and stealing tires

• Arkansas girl blows 16-inch bubble. Clinton immediately offers her intern position at his presidential library

• Madonna's new children's book reveals that money doesn't make you happy. Instead, you just need a wildly over-inflated sense of self-importance, sex with Jose Canseco and cone boobies for true happiness

• New Who album may appear next spring. Deaf, dumb and blind kids indifferent

• U.S. military building global wireless network. Should be complete on August 27 at 2:14 am

• Gum maker Wrigley to buy Life Savers, Altoids. Kraft, the current owner, to make a mint

• 75,000 pounds of avocados spilled onto highway. Emergency chips and salsa being sent in

• Yes your honor, my wife tried to blow me up with a grenade. I hope you wouldn't mind giving her a light sentence, she was only in it for the money. She really does love me

• After previous x-rays proved inadequate to determine his cause of death, King Tut to get a more advanced cat scan. Condition not expected to be upgraded to "alive"

• Clinton library opens to public. Massage parlor and happy ending considered highlights of the tour

• World Toilet Summit flush with ideas

• Teeth may become self-repairing. Orin Scrivello, DDS, will fight such developments tooth and nail

• Forty-two injured in four-taxi pileup. Bozo, Honkles and Koko expected to pull through

• Serbian tie-maker develops decorative tie for penis. Clip-on version soon to follow

• Man jumps off cliff and dies. Residents want sign posted warning that jumping off cliffs is dangerous

• Many homemade bombs reported in Fallujah. Ben Affleck determined to star in all of them

• British hotel chain offers a free night stay to couples who are named Mary and Joseph. Virgin birth reportedly not included

• When cruising for prostitutes, it's best not to take the company vehicle. Especially if it's an ambulance

• Fire damages firewood company -- owner cited for storing flammable materials

• Stevie Wonder raps Eminem for his lack of vision

• Urine samples stolen from court building. Police resort to having to tell suspects: "Urine trouble"

• Local cops stand behind tasers. Mainly because it's damn painful to stand in front of them

• "Love expert fingered over breast fondling quackery"

• One out of four people buy broadband for porn. In other news, three out of four people lie on surveys

• USDA Headquarters closed after someone stabbed a janitor. Victim is reported to be in stable condition, Grade B

• Dom Perignon Champagne killed by gunman, Boones Farm sought for questioning

• Co-Founder of AmWay dies at 80. Everyone in the pyramid just went up a level

• Michael Jackson and his accuser's fingerprints found on porno mag. Michael says, "Just beat it"

• Man puts on Osama Bin Laden mask, grabs pellet gun and jumps out at drivers to scare them as a joke. What could possibly go wrong?

• It's usually not a good idea to light your cigarette with the stove while wearing an oxygen mask

• Italian police bust mafia bread racket. Turns out they were a bunch of crumbs

• Man, who hoped that leaping to death off of Empire State Building would bring him recognition, can't be identified

• St. Peter's Basilica opens coffee bar, offers Body of Christ double mocha latte

• If you're driving around with 33 bags of cocaine, 34 tablets of ecstasy, a small bag of marijuana, a six-pack of beer, a loaded handgun and two open bottles of alcohol, don't drive the wrong way down a one-way street

• Two hundred years after the birth of Joseph Smith, Mormons reflect on their religion's founder, and some wonder if it's possible that he just made the whole thing up

• When dropping off your film to be developed, make sure the canister isn't full of cocaine

• Man claims he slid on ice when his SUV struck a pedestrian. The fact that the pedestrian was his girlfriend's ex-husband is purely coincidental

• Doctor amputates wrong limb. Plans to amputate the other so patient doesn't have a leg to stand on

• Police pull over truck, find marijuana inside bales of hay inside horse trailer. Mr. Ed babbling on about wanting Doritos was first clue

• On the 12th day of Christmas my parents gave to me -- nothing, so I burned down their house

• Two men in love with same woman settle feud in good ol American fashion: by getting into respective vehicles and battering the crapola out of each other

• Seventy percent of people taking painkillers suffer damaged intestines. But at least it doesn't hurt

• Motorola develops cell phone to use while on a snowboard. What could possibly go wrong?

• Man that weighed 1,072 lbs. has now lost 450 lbs., hopes to be able to see his penis in 6 months

• Experts claim babies cause stress. Seperate team to determine the wetness of water and if fire is hot

• Inventor of Bundt cake pan dies at 86; life began and ended fairly plain, but the middle part was filled with good stuff

• Toilet brush tops craziest warning tags. In other news, using a toilet brush for personal hygiene might be a bad idea after all

• Scientists discover geckos feet are self-cleaning. And they saved a bundle on car insurance

• Viewers to grab hold of conceptual reality sperm-donor show, said to spank the competition. More to come...

• Feminists are afraid of Bush, yet have plenty of it

• Tsunami survivor picked up after 15 days at sea. Delivers FedEx package, mourns loss of Wilson

• Ann McDonald gives birth in a McDonald's parking lot. Naming him Ronald not a possibility

• Commercial radio stations join forces to combat XM and Sirius satellite radio using secret weapon: more commercials

• Scientists create sperm magnet, Paris Hilton unavailable for comment

• Government ready to change laws so convicted arsonists can drive gasoline trucks. What could possibly go wrong?

• Mental health community protesting "crazy" teddy bear. Say it will cause panda-monium and that's the polar opposite of what they want

• Man who claimed partner died in 9/11 pleads guilty. Asks judge to be lenient because his best friend died in tsunami

• Three cartoon condoms, Shaft, Stretch and Dick, help in the battle against AIDS. This stuff just writes itself

• Dead bodies found in used-car sales office. Customers warned to rethink price haggling

• Rock group 50 Foot Wave tries to cope with bad timing of debut album. I Am the World Trade Center unavailable for comment

• Daunte Culpepper is upset with Eagles fans for throwing things at his wife during Sunday's game. Apparently Eagles fans can actually hit their intended receiver

• The world gets crueler as Krispy Kreme's accused of glazing profit statements, leaving holes out of it's business plans...

• Senator Kennedy vows to oppose Rice confirmation. Not the first time he's tried to sink a woman

• Surgeon loses his head during testicle operation, cuts off patient's penis. Hospital officials considering giving surgeon the shaft

• India plans two moon missions. First will map lunar terrain, second will establish call center

• Morons freak out when they can't get their lattes after water contamination closes all Starbucks in Phoenix. "I'm desperate. I don't even care about the water, I'll sign a waiver"

• Nazi party adopts a highway. Residents angered that the group will only pick up white trash

• With old men making the rules, this should surprise no one: Viagra to be covered by Medicare