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- Man woven into a blanket Workers claim company fabricated job safety
- Cocaine disguised as water in shipment of tropical fish Fish too
stoned for comment
- In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man still has very limited
depth perception
- Which is worse: being convicted of indecent exposure, or having your
wife testify that your erection is not visible from 35 feet away?
- Web site 'MikeHuntSoftcom' sued by porn company Details at 11
- Ctrl + Alt + Del inventor retires after 28 years at IBM, reportedly
going home to crash
- Fire breaks out on teacher's desktop Heat causes fish bowl on desk to
explode, water puts out the fire Fish OK
- Man awarded $850,000 after doctor operates on wrong side of brain;
has half a mind to appeal the ruling
- Costumed Disney World employee ran over by float, killed during
parade Disney spokesperson attributes incident to goofy mistake
- Thieves steal safe containing only bar owner's denture cream Now have
grip on reality
- Four men fined $300 for stealing testicles from bull statue "They had
some balls," prosecutors allege
- Man drinks his own urine as "alternative medicine" to cure rheumatism
- socialized medicine scares the piss out of him
- Gambling addicts self-help website plagued with pop-ups for casinos
Elvis Costello to release two albums at same time, one for each fan
- Thieves penetrate car trunk to lift large packet of sex toys Victim
not tickled
- Country stars launch their own brands of food Dolly Parton's melons
sure to be a big seller
- DEA agent shoots self in leg during gun-safety class for kids
- The Donald getting married for the third time In a shocking twist,
she's a no-talent, gold-digging model
- Man shot outside Copacabana night club, Lola unavailable for comment
- Son accidentally shoots mother while showing her the new laser-
targeting device on his gun
- Man dies after falling out of Superman Six Flags ride Fall speed
reported at "Faster than a speeding bullet"
- Protons take note: Dalai Lama urges positive spin
- Stoners too stoned to get off their asses and show up for "cannabis
festival"
- Viagra makers hard-up to penetrate the radio advertising market, need
to repeatedly thrust their advertisements down the throats of consumers
- Cow swallows 132 pounds of plastic Her milk comes out prepackaged
- Car thieves break off radio antenna thinking it will disable the
car's GPS tracking system, but just get lousy reception on their way to
jail
- Man slips Xanax into co-worker's coffee because she's "too hyper"
Switching her to decaf apparently never occurred to him
- Silicone airbags may be the wave of the future Dolly Parton
unavailable for comment
- Clinton submits 900-page memoir to editors, only 300 of which were
stuck together
- Alaskan ferry hits reef while traveling through Peril Strait Peril
Strait, not being obvious enough, to be renamed Imminent Danger Bay
- Levitra takes on Viagra in the UK's latest Battle of the Bulge
- Journalist goes on McDiet and actually loses McPounds McCholesterol
is another McStory
- Traffic flow goes to crap after truck full of toilets overturns
- Baby born half-deaf after mother blares educational tapes against her
stomach in hopes of birthing child genius
- Students ask school board to improve sex ed classes, saying watching
Three Stooges movies and coloring isn't getting it done
- Geologists find crater under Chesapeake Bay, likely caused by Ted
Kennedy falling off pier in drunken stupor
- Bank advises clients to have more sex Customers' interest is rising
- Bill Clinton admits to being unfaithful to Hillary In other news,
pope admits to crapping in woods, Smokey the Bear admits to being
Catholic, Bush admits to being stupid
- Restaurants in China find that they can make soup more popular by
putting opium in it
- Naturally decaffeinated coffee plant discovered Cure for cancer
delayed while scientists try to wake up in the morning
- Nearly three million dollars worth of drugs -- including 559 pounds
of marijuana -- are missing from the Memphis Police Department's evidence
room In other news, donut shops in Memphis report brisk business
- Woman wins $10 million in lottery, suffers heart attack because of
the constant barrage of calls and letters begging for money
- Two bombs go off in Turkey, feathers everywhere
- Inventor of ASCII code, the Esc key and the Backslash dies 82 73 80
- Spam to be eliminated in 2 years, get you penis enlarged before it's
too late
- Nigeria arrests 500 email scammers Nation's GNP drops 50 percent
- Milk may protect against colon cancer In related news, US Dairy
Association announces a whole new breed of disgusting "milk moustache"
billboards
- Don't use a sledgehammer to extract gunpowder from shotgun shells
- Bobby Fischer detained at airport in Japan Insists he's just a pawn
and that he's getting rooked
- Vietnamese boy killed by mousetrap Stuart Little surrenders to police
- Man calls female owner of lost parrot and offers to return it in
exchange for sex No comment from the parrot
- Man invents giant eight-foot-tall beer can Sadly, the emphasis is on
the "can" rather than the "beer"
- Houston's 100 highest-paid executives At no 16, JW Stewart, President
and CEO of "BJ Services Co" In other news, Monica Lewinsky applies for
internship
- Kraft food company has scrapped plans to illuminate Germany's highest
mountain -- they were hoping to raise awareness of its efforts to promote
nature conservation
- NHL player pleads guilty to murder for hire Will receive a five-
minute major and a game misconduct
- McDonald's frozen yogurt parfait, now with marijuana Hamburgular
sought for questioning
- Man imitates Wile E Coyote: Flattened by own steamroller
- Teen with cross-burning hobby "accidentally" lights up a piece of
cardboard near a small garbage can filled with gasoline
- Nader submits 5,400 signatures to get on Michigan ballot, 24,600
short of the requirement Michigan Republicans then submit 43,000
signatures on his behalf
- TV networks are going to devote to six hours to conventions, one-
tenth the time we devote to choosing an "American Idol"
- In a shocking turn of events, the most recent session of Congress has
been called "unproductive"
- 'No U.S. president has ever made genocide prevention a priority and
no U.S. president has ever suffered politically for his indifference to
its occurrence."
- Trainee rabbi dismembered by 'rent boy type' after night in the gay
bar, gay bar, gay bar
- Three items you don't want to read in an article: phlebotomy, double
barreled syringe, and poorly trained staff
- "Missing" thermo-nuclear bomb may have been found. In other news,
there are missing hydrogen bombs
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