ON THE EDGE OF HUMOR...
The Top 18 Indications That Geeks Rule the Web
18.. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may implicate me. 17.. See contributor list below. 16.. 20 bad hurricane names; zero complaints. 15.. '96 World Wide Web Consortium postponed due tointernational shortage of asthma inhalers. 14.. 78,859,603,962,549,850,306,721,987,591,357,852 Karaoke home pages -- and counting. 13.. Latest Internet polls show Chris White leading Bob Dole by 10 percentage points. 12.. Most users chance of hacking into the Pentagon still better than chance of hooking up with Cindy Crawford. 11.. 95% of high-level system passwords are based on Star Trek trivia. 10.. Bathroom stalls at information superhighway rest stops all covered with java code graffiti. 9.. Uh, you're READING it, buddy. 8.. Scanned photos of home page owners all look like cross between Lyle Lovett and Thomas Dolby. 7.. alt.binary.tape.glasses 6.. Money magazine picks Bill Gates as sexiest man alive. 5.. Coco Puff stains on the bottom left corner of most WEB pages. 4.. Frequent server crashes between 12-1 p.m. because most users have been forced to surrender their lunch money. 3.. Fierce Kirk vs. Picard debate crashes AOL. 2.. "Click here for your free Netscape pocket protector!" ..and the Number 1 Indication That Geeks Rule the Web... 1.. Actually, Dogbert rules the Web, geeks are just his loyal minions.
Last week I went into a coffee house to get, you know, a cup of coffee, only to be told that actual coffee was unavailable. Would I like any tasty cappuccino, cafe au lait, or espresso? A double decaf latte with one of those little Italian biscuits that tastes like chalk? They had those, but a steaming java, a plain ordinary cup of joe? No way. This mutant coffee thing is getting out of hand. It's even hard to get a cuppa mud at the local convenience store. It used to be simple: Get large paper container, put under urn tap, pour, attach appropriate lid, pay and go. Today, convenience stores all have an Isle Du Cawfay or some damn thing: They offer cinnamon coffee, vanilla coffee and decaf Viennese, from beans fresh-squeezed by formerly Soviet virgins. I'm not against this stuff, but it's not what I look for in liquefied caffeine: I want a blister on my lips and a knot in my stomach. I want my coffee black, bitter and scalding. Give me that little pleasure, America. I promise I won't sue you. Alas, we're well on the road to tepid exoticism. Have you tried to find vanilla ice cream at the grocery store lately? You could get frostbite from rummaging. You have to claw you way past Wally Walnut Peanut Brittle Supreme, or Cherry Brownie Fudge Syrup Surprise, ice cream with so much extra junk crammed into its mass it looks like a tub of frozen glue with chunks of bark floating in it. If you find vanilla ice cream at all, its usually Milli Vanilla Whole Bean Rain Forest Saver, with vanilla beans suspended in its depths like boulders in a
glacier. While we're on the subject, isn't it time to declare a moratorium on microbreweries? Walk into an upscale tavern these days, and there's a 12-foot wall of bottles behind the bar, floor to ceiling. If you ask the bartender what kind of beers they serve, you'll die of thirst before he reaches the end of the list. And all the names have the same kind of annoying, vaguely macho ring to them: Ugly Alligator Ale, or One-Eyed Pete's Pale Porter. I'll go mad, I tell you! Mad! We've got to nip this thing in the bud, my friends. We're on the road to a world where we'll be able to flavor our foods with cumin, curry, or cilantro, but not salt. We used to drink water from the tap, remember that? Then we switched to bubbly water from foreign lands; now it has to be cherry-flavored bubbly water, or we won't touch it. We have special shampoos for our individual hair needs. We need special outfits to ride a damn bicycle. We have call waiting, call forwarding, caller i.d. -- but when's the last time you actually talked to a human being on the telephone? Our new culture is all quarters, no pennies, prayer in school but no education, all croissants and no doughnuts. We're not smoking! Tomatoes will stay ripe for centuries. We welcome space aliens, but not illegal ones. (As Martians carry work visas.) We used to shoot tin cans from stumps with .22s. Today we shoot each other with .357s. We used to drive gas-guzzlers, guilt-free; today we drive little tiny cars with strange names not found in nature. Do we really feel better about ourselves? Of course we don't. We're just trying to prove that we can control our appetites. "I don't have a sugar jones," we say to the world, "I just have a sudden craving for Huggy-Buggy Sweet 'N' Sticky Health Bars. That's all." I don't want to alarm you (well, OK, I do), but it seems like we're ripe for an invasion. Lean and hungry barbarians from the east, take note. You won't even need weapons. All you need are basic goods:
sugar, coffee, tea, whole milk, alcohol, red meat, tobacco. I don't want to sound like a traitor, but we're a pushover.
Wake Up And Smell The Coffee
From: Carla Zopfi Subject: Hospital Cut-Backs Attn. All Hospital Staff / Administration / Groundskeeping New Cost Cutting Measures April 1997 Effective April 1, 1997 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine hospital duties, charge nurses will rotate patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In the light of similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching the cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties. Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to arrange to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with Subway, Dominos, Ect. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will be available in the patients rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patients wish to make. Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided. Administration is assuming Groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, ect. Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital subscribed to the Time-Life " How To...." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives. Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by performing blood-related test on patients who are already bleeding. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than 2 x-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn around time required by Eckerd’s photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from Sunday’s paper if they want an extra set. Eckerd’s will also honor competitors’ coupons for one hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to ER. In the light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, TU. Electric has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, ect. so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed . Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for the production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics list in the HMO’s formulary.
Hospital Cutbacks
You Might Be In The Medical Field If:
1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seem perfectly normal to you.
2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
3. You find humor in other peoples stupidity.
4. You believe in aerosol spray of Prozac.
5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a Papoose restraint.
6. You believe that " shallow gene pool " should be a diagnosis.
7. You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
8. You believe that chocolate is a food group.
9. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says;Boy it sure is quiet around here."
10. When you’re out in public and you compliment a complete stranger on their great veins.
11. You have referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the " Eternal Care Facility ."
12. Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms.
13. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate for this patient.
14. You have wanted to hold a seminar entitled " Suicide, doing it right the first time."
15. You have wanted to leave a patients room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
16. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
17. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
18. Your most commonly used phrase is " What changed at 2am tonight that makes it an emergency after six months
19. You believe that " Too stupid to live " should be a diagnosis.
20. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.
21. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick.
22. When order labs, the doctor wants to order a "dumbshit profile."
23. When you mention vegetables you are not referring to the food group.
24. You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English.
25. Your patient stated " I have no idea how that got stuck in there."
26. You have used the words " Heathcare Reform" to strike fear in your caseworkers hearts.
The Top 15 Things Overheard at Comdex
14.. "Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!" 13.. "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates -- this is a $10 minimum table, the $5 minimum tables are over there." 12.. "No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling debts." 11.. "Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!" 10.. "Free Pocket Protectors at Booth 183! Pass it on!" 9.. "Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split that dollar tip nine ways." 8.. "Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual Monique' better." 7.. "...so Dilbert says to Wally..." 6.. "My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he'd take away my Nintendo." 5.."That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's my self-modulating subroutine.' But seriously, folks..." 4.. "I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21." 3.. "Marc Andreson to the courtesy desk, Your mother wants to know what time you'll be home for dinner..." 2.. "They call this a breakfast buffet? Where's the Jolt Cola and Doritos?" and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at Comdex... 1.. "Hey -- where are all the chicks??"
15.. "Oh, come on -- Kirk can beat Picard's ass any day of the week!"
Customer Service Call
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call
in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of
trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put
in to ...
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you
with ...
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in,
some command ... maybe it should go into the
CONFIG.SYS ?
*After a few minutes of going round and round.
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there
is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you
can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and
add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your
computer.
*Customer does this
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them
for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
*The customer then hung up. We thought that we had
heard the last of this guy but he calls back
four hours later
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply
is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I
need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can
have that done and how much it will cost.
(Keep out of reach of children....)
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8
million homes. For the sake of our ensuing calculations, we will assume that there is at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1.2 milliseconds to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles
per household, a total trip of 71.6 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at appx 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a mere 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run 15 miles per hour, unless being chased by a pack of wolves.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the boat, not the person).
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - thus heating the chain in almost the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. As a result of this friction, the lead pair of reindeer will absorb around 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they
will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 milliseconds. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
You point out a number of interesting facts in your letter (below), contending that one Santa just couldn't do it all, but you fail too see the obvious conclusion -- FRANCHISING! This also explains why "Santa"
is often known as "Santa Claus". Let me explain:
1. As you note, Santa would need to make 822.6 visits per second, or 2,961,360 per hour. However, if we assume that there are 740,340 worldwide Santas (the exact number is known only to the Salvation Army), then each Santa has to make 1 visit only every 15 minutes.
2. Roughly speaking, this is
5 minutes for travel (footnote below)
1 minute for sorting out that house's gifts
1 minute for chimney diving / lock picking
3 minutes for gift arranging
2 minutes for cookie eating
1 minute for exiting premises and returning to sleigh
2 minutes "slack" time for unforseen events (most commonly,
large dogs)
--
15 minutes
3. "Santa" is, of course, a very sought after title, and the geographic franchises to be the local "Santa" are subject to yearly adjustments due to population shifts. The changes in the legal paragraphs governing geographic territories in the "Santa" agreement are called "Santa Clauses", a term which eventually has
been commonly applied to "Santas" themselves.
Thanks for the opportunity to clear this up.
Footnote: The travel time has been reduced considerably in this century by the use of "jet sleighs" manufactured by Boeing. The original model 7 sleigh, in fact, is what gave the Boeing corporation its name.
Elves, noticing how the new sleighs (with, sadly, aluminum reindeer) bounced from housetop to housetop, cheered "Boing! Boing!", which in an Elvin accent sounded like "Boeing! Boeing!".
