HUMOR ON THE EDGE.....
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error... Cannot find REALITY.SYS Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press any Key. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2 Computers make very fast very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN <-------the information went data way Best file compression around: "DEL *.* " = 100% compression The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted .. Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud... James Baud Buffers=20 Files=15 2nd Down, 4th Quarter, 5 yards to go!! Access denied -- nah nah nah nah! C:\ Bad Command or file name ! Go stand in the corner. Bad Command. Bad, Bad command ! Sit! Stay! Stay! Why doesn't DOS ever say "Excellent Command or filename!" As a Computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? ( Yep/Nope) Backups? We don't need no steeking backups. E Pluribus Modem ...File Not Found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington DC? (Y/N) Does Fuzzy Logic tickle. A Computers attention span is as long as it's power cord. 11th Commandment - Covet thy neighbors Pentium. Disinformation is not as good as datainformation. Windows: Just another pain in the glass. SENILE.COM Found... out of memory. Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: Networked coffee. Ram Disk is *not* an installation procedure. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, Do you copy? Shell to DOS.. All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press CRTL-ALT-DEL to continue Smash forehead on keyboard to continue Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue ACSII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! To err is human, it takes a computer to really *.* it up. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Help, I'm modeming and I can't hang up. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound. Error: Keyboard not attached press F1 to continue. "640K ought to enough for anybody" - Bill Gates, 1981 ]DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGCROS.SYS to your CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key...no, no, no Not that one! Press any key to continue or any other to quit Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt driven. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot Universe? (Y/N/Q) Sped up my XT, ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? Read my Chips: No new Upgrades Hit any user to continue. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out an push. I hit the CRTL key but I'm still not in control. Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? Disk Full - Press F1 to Belch. Backup not found: (A) bort ( R ) etry ( P ) anic ( A ) bort, ( R ) etry, ( T ) ake down entire network? ( A ) bort, ( R ) etry, ( G ) et a beer? Debugging is the process of removing bugs,then programming must be the process of putting them in. Programmer's don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN Programmer - A red Eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. Real programmers don't document. If it was to hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
Why G-D Never Received Tenure At Any University
1.. He had only one major publication.
2.. It was in Hebrew.
3.. It had no references.
4.. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5.. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6.. It may be true he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7.. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8.. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his
results.
9.. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human
subjects.
10.. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning
the subjects.
11.. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
12.. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13.. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14.. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15.. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his
tests.
16.. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
top.
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Plato:
For the greater good.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage
to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with
such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Noam Chomsky:
The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year,
had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law
ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had
no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for
whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens
happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only
crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster
Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ...
(Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact
Odonian Press)
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across
you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross
roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and
circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your
frame of reference.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of
nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?
Ronald Reagan:
I forget.
John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the
chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Stephen Jay Gould:
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been
deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct
evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific
behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omlette.
Malcom X:
It was coming home to roost.
The Vatican Priest Letter From: Name@Withheld To: Unknownl@Unkown.com Date: 96-12-11 00:33:29 EST Dear To Whom It May Concern, I have listened to your program off and on for around two years now, whenever I get "down-time". I have some disturbing information and I fell that your program would be the perfect vehicle with which to distribute what I have. I have been under the employ of the Vatican for over five years. I have done what could best be described as counter-intelligence work, for the church. I am a man of God and please believe me when I tell you that the information I have is genuine, and very serious. Without going into too much detail about my former employers, I will briefly tell you that I have had a Top Level security clearance in the Vatican for quite some time. Most of the work I have done regrettably falls into the realm of "black-ops", and I will not go into detail about that now. Around six months ago, I was working at a data terminal in a highly restricted area following a case that I had just completed, when I stumbled onto something that nearly made my heart stop. Please pay attention here, this is where it gets strange. I uncovered a heavily encrypted sub-system that was surprisingly
well hidden. I found that it was only accessible through the terminal I was at, and one other
terminal. I must point out that the area I was in was not an area that I routinely used.) After two minute of trying to
get into the system, the whole lab shut itself down and I was booted off the terminal. Not wanting to raise any eyebrows, I decided to leave and come back later that night. The strange thing was, when I came back, there were ARMED guards standing sentry outside of the lab. I must say that it is not unusual to see guards roaming the Vatican, but it is very unusual for them to stand sentry at a lab, much less while armed. Over the next month, I managed to slip in unnoticed only once. And after I had found what I came for, I understood the security. It took me a good deal of time to break into the system, and when I did, I wished I hadn't. When I entered the system, I came across a file titled "WORMWOOD?".(Yes, with a question mark.) Thinking it to be a text file, I brought up the file with the intent of
copying so I could read it later. What happened next was truly remarkable. The file sort of "deteriorated" into a series of command lines that lasted approximately two minutes. Once it was done running, there it was. I had found a direct link-up to the Hubble space telescope. Not only that, but it was pointed directly at the comet Hale-Bopp. The program was running some kind of analysis. Taking directional notes, projecting path of travel, etc. After realizing what I had discovered, I started searching and came across an e-mail data trail that led directly to the office of the Pope himself. What was discussed, I cannot know. Over the next two weeks, I began to uncover evidence that the Vatican is very aware of the existence of the companion, and is VERY worried about it. I began to copy files and pictures that were present at the terminal, when I found a report from the United Nations to the Vatican, as well as a report from NASA regarding their concerns. It is very obvious to me that a great many people and entities know of the companion and are doing their best to keep quiet. VERY quiet. As the next part of my story illustrates. I had found another file that I wanted to look at, but it was independently encrypted. At the time that I discovered it, I had already been online at the terminal for some time, so I decided to copy the file encrypted, and decode it at my leisure. As I was leaving the lab, I was approached by two of the Pope's top aides and was asked to meet them later in the evening. I didn't feel comfortable about the situation, so I agreed and told them that I needed to shower, and would join them later. I haven't been back to the Vatican since. I found out about a week later through some old friends and contacts that a contract had bee placed on my life. Two days later my mother and father were killed in a car crash in France. Three days after that, my brother and sister were killed when their single engine plane went down on the East coast of the U.S. I've been on the run for a very long time now, and am still trying to decode the file that I have in my possession. Approximately ten copies have been distributed to friends in the field in the event that I should
disappear. I do not fear for my life, as I am very adept at not being found, however I believe that the world needs to know of the information that I have. I would be willing to share all that I have
with you Mr. Bell. But you need to understand that your life could be in danger if you were to go public with what I give you. I
apologize for being so vague, but I feel it necessary at this point in time. If you would like the information, say so over the air when you get this letter. If I am not listening, someone will get the information to me, as there is no safe way for you to contact me at this point in time. I await your response.
A Letter To The Vatican
An Equation For Some
Here is some material for the more quantitative among us...
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a
new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.
Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power, Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power
is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these
time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K =
P (1)
T =
M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals
Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You
Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You
Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work
Over Knowledge.
From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge
approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make,
the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money
times Knowledge.
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge
approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do
little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is
left as an exercise for the reader.