PAN GALACTIC GARGLE BLASTER

Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version

Alcohol - liquor, booze, drinks, grog, moonshine, spirits, whiskey, Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. During their travels through the galaxy, the galactic hitchhiker will sometimes find that some item that is desired
may be unavailable, so it will have to be replaced with what is available. According to the Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is the best drink in existence. According to Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's
Guide To The Galaxy, it was invented by the President of the Galaxy (Imperial Galactic Government), Zaphod
Beeblebrox. Unfortunately, the ingredients for it are not available on some planets. This being the case on Planet
Earth (Terra), a galactic hitchhiker known as TimeLoyd endeavored to create one using Terran ingredients. With
the help of some buckskinners who will drink anything that is in a jug (at a gathering recreating those of the
early 19th Century mountain men), he created a mixture similar to a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, after which, the
bottom fell out of the jug. Note: Unless you are an android with an indestructible stomach, liver and digestive
system, handle very, very carefully, and be sure to keep it away from fire. It has been suggested as a possible spaceship fuel. To make a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster using Terran ingredients:

Take the liquid contained in a 200 ml bottle of EverClear to remind you that your head will be clear forever if you
drink too many Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, and that your brain will clear of anything soon after you start drinking
some, if not before. Into it, slowly pour a 750 ml bottle of Bombay Sapphire to remind you of the marvelous beauty
of the old Santraginean seas, or an equal amount of Jeremiah Weed in acknowledgement of what has happened to
the Santraginean Seas and their lifeforms.

Now add 750 ml of Cold Wild Turkey, letting it run into the mixture as we run through life to remind us of all the
lifeforms we meet and experience while hitchhiking through the galaxy. Speedily stirring, add 375 ml of Herradua
Tequila, mixing it in to commemorate the galactic hitchhikers who died of pleasure among the vapors and gasses in
the marshes of Fallia. Over the bowl of a silver spoon, let flow 1 liter of rum in memory of the waterfalls and their
glorious rainbows encountered on your journeys through the galaxy of life. Next, drop in the worm found in a bottle
of Musquil, watching it dissolve into the mixture. If the bottom falls out and the worm survives, drink at your own risk.
Finally, sprinkle into the mixture some Gatorade to commemorate the lifeforms which have vanished and are
becoming extinct, both sentient and non-sentient, especially those most in need of aid.
If this many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters are too many for the number of people you think you are,
mix together the following amounts of ingredients as described above for a single serving.

1 oz. EverClear

4 oz. Bombay Sapphire or Jeremiah Weed

4 oz. Cold Wild Turkey

2 oz. Herredura Tequila

5 oz. Rum

1 worm from bottle of Mezcla

2 oz. Gatorade

This makes one approximately 18 ounce Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The reason this drink seems so large is
that Zaphod Beeblebrox has two heads, so when he created it, it came out to 9 ounces per head, so both were happy.
Before drinking, eat one olive to create a sweetness in it which is not there.
Drink very, very extremely carefully at your own risk, and remember where your towel is (if you can).
This was an article from the (holy) wholly(?) remarkable Hitchhiker's Guide to the Known Galaxy,
aka Project Galactic Guide.
Read some more and check out alt.galactic-guide, or better still, become an active Field Researcher

46 THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN STAR TREK

1)The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
2)The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right.
3)The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4)The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5)The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6)An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7)A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8)A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a ‘fuse’.
9)The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10)The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11)The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12)The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13)The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.
14)The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.
15)Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn’t explode or crash.
16)A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
17)The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18)The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day
19)An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20)A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21)Picard hears the door chime and doesn’t bother to say "Come."
22)Picard doesn’t answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23)Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24)Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25)Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi’s position.
26)Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He’s MINE!"
27)When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28)Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise’s hails.
29)Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn’t done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30)Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31)Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32)The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33)Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34)Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35)Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36)Data falls in love with the replicator.
37)Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.[or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love. -psl]
38)The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39)An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40)Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41)Kirk’s hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42)Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn’t rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN’T get into a fistfight...)
43)Kirk doesn’t end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn’t sacrifice herself for him.
44)Scotty doesn’t mention the laws of physics
45)Spock isn’t the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46)The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock’s inability to understand the joke, and he doesn’t raise his eybrow.

30 WAYS TO PISS SOMEONE OFF AT A FUNERAL

1.Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2.Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3.Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4.Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
5.Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6.At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7.Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8.Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9.Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11.Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12.Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13.Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14.Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15.Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16.Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17.Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18.Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19.Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
20.Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21.Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22.Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23.If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24.When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25.Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26.At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27.Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28.Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29.Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30.Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

TOP OF PAGE

A FABLE FOR MODERN TIMES

Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.

So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a Dosfish, which was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet had no As, Bs, or Qs, and only a mere 640 Ks, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.

At first the people loved the Dosfish, as he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. "Gadzooks!" cried they. "The Dosfish can do only one job at a time, and of names, he knows but eight and three!" And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, going off to search for the Magic Apple.

Although many went, far more stayed because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, whereupon he fashioned a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do the thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people resigned themselves to the Dosfish.

Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant visited the Gateskeeper, and spake thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature Oz II.

Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish (as most things are). It could drag and drop and keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another Oz II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast, new, 32-bit wide Pea Sea.

But lo! A strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest. And the people began to like this third Window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."

Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were overrun by many insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window. And, even though the Dosfish would, from time to time, become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers.

Then came the day when the Blue Giant unleashed his OZ II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, but the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, "It is indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.

Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," declared the Gateskeeper, "though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs!"

And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and an even greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it, too, would be built of objects.

Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and great ships were sailing in it. The Entity was about to invade their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters beyond eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.

Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.

And, taking the next step, was He of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all.

And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozzes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple Dosfish.

TOP OF PAGE

ARE YOU A REAL GUY?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.
As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty,and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

13. It is late March and you see a robin redbreast on your fence. You think:

a. Spring can't be far away.
b. What a beautiful little bird.
c. What a GREAT BB-gun target!

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

TOP OF PAGE